Polish the leaves, make em' Green again.

A costume to finish, An essay to write, A brouchure to edit, A cake to bake and a dinner to make.
Ode to An Easter Sunday.

25TH of April finish costume in full.[ ]
 Write Essay.
Do photoshop.
Fun 2 days to come ...

idle.

An eclipse of insanity as it approaches mid February. This time two years ago I had a complete break down of my being. A brief did it, a lack of belief and a lack of worth. Now two years on I would like to say I'm okay in myself but I'm not. I'm starting to fray at the seams again, I don't know if it's because the thoughts of how I felt around this time are so negative or the regrets of the last two years bubble upon the surface I just wish it all away. I wish I could be secure in myself to say fuck off to wankstains, I wish I had the cop on to keep my real friends close and I wish that it would return to last year where nothing else mattered but the flag being up. I don't have anyone I cared about in my life anymore and it hurts my insides immensely. It hurts that no one values me enough to not be without me it may be self pity but it's also loneliness. I tried this week to be that 'babe' texting lads, just 4 kicks like old times again. A time where I valued nothing but the hireacy that was childish popularity and it seems I have reverted back to them poisonous ways. I feel like a penney in my purse that just needs to be thrown away. Fuck everyone and everything that brings me down; I do things for me and the people I care about and from Tomorrow I'm going to live by that mantra. Idle reclusion isn't escaping my problems at all, it simply puts them under a microscope and makes things worse then they actually are.

Rachel and my life last year is nearly gone a whole year. A year where I know you've given people the strenght of belief and to struggle on against any downfalls. Ray ray you are the sunshine and the bravest people that has ever touched my life. 2-3-2010. I love and miss you <3

2011 merry january.

College is good. College takes it out of you but I'm doing ok 4 my first year. Plan: get new place and a job. Can't have FUN wITHOUT Funds har har the hilarity.

Last Day of 2010

I don't like you but I love you.
I think way to much, It often gives me headaches but this the 31rst of December 2010, I just feel like exploding. My minds full of trying to do the things that best keep me happy but it's hard. Its hard when I just see the faults in everything. I have shed tears I've loved and unloved. I've fallen, I've broken and I've wished to be back to a time that once was, too much.  So please 2011 let me feel better, in myself and in the world around me. I do not care if we are 'recessed' or if it rains or shines I just want to be happy and not feel like I need to dissappear. Let me feel like I should be here, let me not feel a void or a need for no exsistance. Let me not grind myteeth to supress how I feel and let me have some sort of new beginning. I yearn for a new beginning. I want to embrace life and will the connections I have to hold until 2011.

For old aquaintance be forgot for the sake of old leinseign.

Adele - Someone Like You

This summation of half the worried disposition that's over me atm. Feeling lost over what's gonna happen next, missing friends, I felt more secure last year then ever done so before, now feels as if I'm back to the insecure secondary school kid.

Assessment

Module 1 complete. Tis now November , Two months into my course and I  must say over the past month I've settled in. I am still assessing my surroundings; hopefully feedback from Module 1 will give me the much needed answer to the question, Is this course for me? I seem comfortable in what we're doing but am I doing a good job is what makes probably not only myself, feel insecure. Self-Assessment? If we didn't have enough insecure thoughts swimming around our heads hopefully the 65% is a good estimate.

I change like the weather, funnily enough It's been furiously cold lately; A perfect representation of myself. I just cannot seem connect with my 'friends' at the moment. I don't get certain mannerisms people have, and why things have to be twisted so much. I'm losing certain people because time wise ALL I DO is sleep and collegeness, I care but in a way I don't. When I was the one in the oul' PLC with all the time in the world you's still moaned we didn't see each other so maybe things just need to sizzle out.

Thinking of him a lot lately. He probably hasn't even given me a second thought. No him for 6 months, Two thirds the time we had together aha. I really shouldn't care or even think of him but fuDGE it. I don't even find people attractive in comparison and he wasn't an Adonis to begin with but we had that spark. These days it's not just hot or not, without the spark I am seriously platonic.

- Reality leaves a lot to the imagination.

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let not this blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. - Desiderata - Max Erhmann ♥