idle.

An eclipse of insanity as it approaches mid February. This time two years ago I had a complete break down of my being. A brief did it, a lack of belief and a lack of worth. Now two years on I would like to say I'm okay in myself but I'm not. I'm starting to fray at the seams again, I don't know if it's because the thoughts of how I felt around this time are so negative or the regrets of the last two years bubble upon the surface I just wish it all away. I wish I could be secure in myself to say fuck off to wankstains, I wish I had the cop on to keep my real friends close and I wish that it would return to last year where nothing else mattered but the flag being up. I don't have anyone I cared about in my life anymore and it hurts my insides immensely. It hurts that no one values me enough to not be without me it may be self pity but it's also loneliness. I tried this week to be that 'babe' texting lads, just 4 kicks like old times again. A time where I valued nothing but the hireacy that was childish popularity and it seems I have reverted back to them poisonous ways. I feel like a penney in my purse that just needs to be thrown away. Fuck everyone and everything that brings me down; I do things for me and the people I care about and from Tomorrow I'm going to live by that mantra. Idle reclusion isn't escaping my problems at all, it simply puts them under a microscope and makes things worse then they actually are.

Rachel and my life last year is nearly gone a whole year. A year where I know you've given people the strenght of belief and to struggle on against any downfalls. Ray ray you are the sunshine and the bravest people that has ever touched my life. 2-3-2010. I love and miss you <3